School, Yarn, and Books
The last two weeks have just about killed me.
School is officially in session for all four kids. The youngest started on September 1, the freshman started on the 8th, and the junior and the 7th grader started on the 9th. And it’s been quite a ride so far. The oldest three went from a small private school to a large public high school and medium-sized public middle school. All the kid activities are in full swing, too. Lots of changes–lots of stress. We’re still working on settling everything down.
On top of those things, our freezer is dying, and the kids’ bathroom has a leak somewhere around the bathtub. We haven’t found it yet. I’d move, but the quality of the neighborhood has taken a nose dive, and I don’t see it improving any time soon. Plus, moving with four kids just really isn’t appealing at all.
But the biggest thing is that I seem to keep bumping up against conflict every time I turn around right now.
I’m sort of starting to feel like it’s not safe to leave my house… post on Facebook (well, really, that’s never safe)… send e-mails… Okay, really it just sort of feels like it’s not safe to engage the world at all.
It’s ridiculously tempting to just retreat to my own worlds right now, but I can’t. It may be ridiculously tempting, but it’s also ridiculously irresponsible. I have commitments and obligations that require my presence, but right now, I sort of feel like I suck at all of those commitments and obligations, and that really, it’s probably better for everyone if I just stay out of everything. For… well, forever.
There is good news. All four kids will be in school more this year–full time schedules, five days a week instead of four, all that stuff. And I’m moving in the right general direction as far as time goes. I’ve almost got my priority list flipped in the right direction so that the right things are on top (yes, writing is one of those right things. I guess all the conflict is good novel fodder, right?). Also, I’ve given my notice: this is officially my last year as a Troop Coordinator in AHG. Three years is enough. It’s been a good growth experience, but it’s time to let someone else lead. And I’m not going to do the thing where I say I’m going to quit, but no one steps up to take over, so I end up staying. No. They have plenty of notice. Come June, I will be leaving. If there’s no one to take the spot, then I guess the troop folds.
Because here’s the thing… Next year is my son’s senior year of high school, and after that, I’ll have a kid graduating every other year for six years. I need to be involved in that. It’s the last chance I get with my kids to be really involved in their lives. They will only have one senior year each. I need to be there for that for all four of them.
My intention right now is to stay with the current troop in another role, but even that is up for discussion. I kind of get the feeling that my vision isn’t really shared by other moms/parents, so it might be time to just completely get out of the way and let some other moms step in and put together the kind of troop they want. And if the kind of troop they want doesn’t work for my girls, then… I don’t know. I don’t want to leave the troop or the program, but… I guess we’ll see.
Anyway, so all of this is rather rambling. The upshot is that I’m stressed and anxious and frustrated and weepy right now. And there isn’t even a hormonal reason for it at the moment. I’m just completely…
I’m going to wind some sock yarn and start a quick project. I could use another pair of soft socks for fall.
And I’m going to finish the book I’m reading. I hope.
And I’m going to read my Bible and pray. A lot.
And I’m going to write. And write and write and write.
The kids have to fit in there somewhere, but I can knit while I help them with homework. And I need to sleep, but I think reading and praying probably does almost as much for my personal regeneration as sleep does.
And I guess if the troop falls apart a little, it falls apart.
All I know is that I’ve sort of dropped my basket. It’s lying there on the ground with all the contents all over the place. Some of them are broken, like friendships, and some of them need fixing, like the demanding volunteer job that’s sucking my will to live, and some of them need to be thrown out, like the freezer. And right now, all I have to put back in the basket is a Bible, some yarn, and a book or two. The resources are low and the stress is high, and for once, I can’t even blame the writing.
I’m off to wind some yarn. I’ll check in when the basket gets turned over the right way again.